Glasgow - 2014 Commonwealth Games

[Gazza_8 233]

Could be lots of fun.

 

Glasgow - 2014

 

Whooooops, just realised I put this in Footie Chat so maybe a member of admin can move it to the Bluenose.

[ian1964 10,545]

As you know, Glasgow has won it's bid to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

 

 

 

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014.

 

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

 

 

 

 

 

OPENING CEREMONY

 

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry

 

shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

 

 

 

 

 

THE EVENTS

 

In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland 's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

 

 

 

 

 

100 METRES SPRINT

 

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

 

 

 

 

 

110 METRES HURDLES

 

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc)

 

 

 

 

 

HAMMER

 

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

 

 

 

 

 

FENCING

 

This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab

 

shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.

 

 

 

 

 

SHOOTING

 

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

 

 

 

 

 

BOXING

 

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

 

 

 

 

 

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

 

Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

 

 

 

 

 

CYCLING PURSUIT

 

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

 

 

 

 

 

MODERN PENTATHLON

 

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.

 

 

 

 

 

SWIMMING EVENTS

 

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be

 

organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".

 

 

 

 

 

THE MARATHON

 

A safe route has yet to be decided.

 

 

 

 

 

MEN'S 50KM WALK

 

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow,

 

especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

 

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.

 

 

 

 

 

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

[craig 5,199]

"It's about making sure there is a lasting legacy. A legacy for the people of the east end of the city who will benefit from first class housing, retail and leisure developments in a city that's been crying out for that kind of change."

 

Maybe it is just me but was it not GLASGOW that won the games (not the East End of Glasgow) ? If so, why is all the social improvement being emphasised on the East End ? This is NOT a Rangers v Celtic rant but there are certainly other areas of Glasgow that need improvement so why is it that the East End seem to be the only area targeted for such improvement ?

 

I appreciate that you can't make all improvements at the same time but to put any and all additional income and funding into the regeneration of the East End means that it is to the detriment to the other areas of Glasgow - just doesn't seem right to me.

 

Maybe I am just having a bad day !

[gisabeer 409]

"It's about making sure there is a lasting legacy. A legacy for the people of the east end of the city who will benefit from first class housing, retail and leisure developments in a city that's been crying out for that kind of change."

 

Maybe it is just me but was it not GLASGOW that won the games (not the East End of Glasgow) ? If so, why is all the social improvement being emphasised on the East End ? This is NOT a Rangers v Celtic rant but there are certainly other areas of Glasgow that need improvement so why is it that the East End seem to be the only area targeted for such improvement ?

 

I appreciate that you can't make all improvements at the same time but to put any and all additional income and funding into the regeneration of the East End means that it is to the detriment to the other areas of Glasgow - just doesn't seem right to me.

 

Maybe I am just having a bad day !

 

totally agree craig but utter a word that suggests that GLC are biased in any way towards that part of the city and you will be branded a bigot. evertone knows what the sketch is, your just not allowed to say it.