26th of foot

A Christmas Mystery - FARE'S Fair? I need to take you back almost a fortnight, to Sunday the 13th of December. We have just defeated Dundee United 1-2 at Tannadice and the Alfie witch hunt is in full flow. Later in the afternoon, Rangers Ladies traveled to Broadwood to face Glasgow United. A comprehensive 0-5 skelping ensued on the drastic plastic. Live coverage was provided by BBC Alba; it was, "all the action from the first whistle to the last, every kick of the ball". Commentary was Gaelic, provided by Barra born and bred, Alex O'Henley. There was an interview with Rangers and Scottish international, Nicola Docherty aired at half-time. The several minute discussion had been recorded earlier in the week at Auchenhowie. Post game, player of the match, Rangers and Northern Ireland international, Megan Bell was interviewed in the tunnel. No doubts, supporters of Rangers Ladies paying their BBC License Fee, receive at least the same package as other supporters. Alex O'Henley is no stranger to Gersnetters. We know he is a Sellik man, faithful fro'n'fro'. He began as a Cub Reporter on the West Highland Free Press, specialising on football. It helped that the owner of the Blat was current Sellik Board member, Brian Wilson. The former MP for Cunninghame North also fulfilled a couple of Junior Cabinet offices in the three Tony Blair Governments. At one point, four Sellik season ticket holders, John Reid, Des Browne, Jim Murphy, and Wilson were in the Cabinet; very much the Establishment Club. It's thirty years ago, but Wilson was the official Centenary Biographer of ra Sellik. His tome, 'A Century with Honour' sold poorly, there are a couple of double garages holding tens of thousands of unsold books. Thus, with such influence, it came as no surprise that Alex O'Henley was FARE's nominated observer at Rangers last sixteen Champions League second match in Spain, against Villarreal. It took a particular type of hate to pen that peculiar FARE report on a fellow Scots club, it has allowed the usual suspects 15 years of feasting. Still, O'Henley is prepared to visit Auchenhowie on official BBC Scotland(Alba) business and talk to Rangers players exiting the field of play. Rob McLean does similar whilst on BT Sport duty. Creepy Connie McLaughlin was working inside Ibrox last month on BT Europa Cup business. So, six years down the line, why can't the usual suspects inside the PQ Gang Hut provide the full service to all Rangers supporters paying their License Fees? Truly, a Christmas mystery.

It's a swap deal, world beater Neil Lennon is PSGs number one target. Neil is quoted, 'ah've been a long term admirer of French cuisine and ah've always wanted to stay and work in the city that invented Spaghetti hoops'. Neil has promised to learn the French for spaghetti before he takes the post.

NATO Tracer is coloured red, Warsaw Pact Tracer was green. As a recipient, it was mostly green. When the red stuff thumped in and around, we just assumed is was drunken Bootnecks. Blue on blue action is a certainty of RM SOP ie shower seven times a day.

The above is a find. I would say season 73/74? The top left character sporing the big sideburns and high hairline is Ally Scott. The memory is too much, I am taking to my scratcher.

I think Malky McCormack's greatest and most under utilised character was, 'Badyin McFadyin' - a corporation bus driver with the mindset of Evel Knievel.

St Johnstone 0 Rangers 2 FGS : Roofe.

Festive felicitations.

Highlighted many times before; however, Jum Spence is the weathervane for such activity. After last Sunday's match at Tannadice, United fan(stop laughing at the back) and Rectum of Dundee Uni', Jum Spence Tweeted on a dozen or more occasions demanding retrograde action on Morelos from the Compliance Officer. The usual suspects in the PQ Gang Hut compliently agreed and re-Tweeted. Jum concluded with an appeal for foreign Referees when United played Rangers in future. Wednesday night at Paisley had Jum in a party hat, each St Mirren goal warranted it's own Tweet. The post match draw for the cup semis was in Jum's opinion delayed because they had to wait for the pre-heated ball to cool down as it was no longer needed. Again, Jum culminated the next afternoon with a picture of Jim Goodwin, with the accompanying sentence : "the most objective and fair minded manager in Scottish football". Yesterday, Jum Tweeted 'Well's goal, then on the hour mark Tweeted : "an hour played, Rangers 0 Motherwell 1". Nothing since. Remember, Jum is Rectum to all Undergraduates, not just the Rangers hating ones.

The Motherwell Keeper, Archer had nothing to do; other than pick the ball out of the net on three occasions. Greegs had nothing to do, other than pick the ball out of the net once. A particularly unique game?

Please Rangers, do not give them reason to believe.

Rangers 3 Motherwell 1 FGS : Defoe.

I remember him, when he debuted, he was called, 'Billy'. I wonder what happened to young Billy?

The start of the second half, we became loose in possession, lost game management, lost the game. Congrats to St Mirren.

St Mirren 0 Rangers 2 FGS : Roofe.

Nicola doesn't do lateral bleeding. However, apparently she is akin to a one eyed cat peepin' in a sea food store. In the Sturgeon household, compression is reserved for Salmond. Both Peter and Nicola enjoy an entree, 'Gravlax of Salmond'. Putrefaction brings us back to that seafood store. Who has the bigger one eye?

Entitlement. "Entitlement" has become one of Stuart Cosgrove's favourite words. These last few weeks there has been a running battle on BBC Radio Shortbread over the exposure and specifics of National Clinical Director, Jason Leitch's proclamations. Aberdeen's owner, Dave Cormack has criticised the Scottish Government and it's handling of Covid arrangements and Scottish football. He feels there should be a graduated scheme to allow more fans into games in lower tier areas. Further, BBC Radio Shortbread should take the weekly questioning out of the hands of Cosgrove and Cowan, and place it into the hands of the more serious minded on Sportsound. Cosgrove is raging and wonders aloud what entitles Cormack, "who lives in Atlanta, Georgia" to tell us how to conduct our affairs. Cosgrove also offers, "Off the Ball is not Newsnight". Well, quite. DrStu' is obsessed where folks live, he wanted national coaches, Gordon Strachan and Alex McLeish sacked because they would not leave, "their big hooses in Basingstoke and Fulham". Steve Clarkes big hoose is okay though. Of course, Cosgrove has a property portfolio that would choke the proverbial, four properties in three different countries. Oh, and DrStu's big literary hero, Irving Welsh splits his time between Chicago and New York. What about Cosgrove's entitlement? Only two weeks past he told us, "ah've no missed a minute of St Johnstone's football this season". Well, when PQ send him and Tam to Fir Park to cover the 'Well/Saints game for Open all Mikes, or when he sits there after his Saturday/Sunday shows and watches live coverage coming into the studios, or even better; like last night when he has no broadcast duties and he goes in just to watch his team in League Cup action at Dunfermline. Entitlement by the endeavours of BBC Scotland engineers. Approaching his seventieth year, Cosgrove is one very entitled person. Your ordinary BBC Scotland license fee paying Rangers supporter is not allowed to pitch up at PQ to watch their team live on a monitor. In fact, compare and contrast what Cosgrove receives for his license fee and what is received by your average license fee paying Rangers supporter? DrStu' the very entitled establishment man. Next, he'll be lunching at Gamba with Neil Doncaster?

Fishing with Grenades? I do not advise it. The trick is creating as much compression as you can, that's what kills the fish and subsequently ensures they float to the surface. Grenades have a small explosive charge designed to detonate after four seconds and propel shrapnel at high velocity in confined spaces. I am the voice of experience here, got the t-shirt in Belize, Borneo, and Arnhemland. You need an old ammo' box, fill it with several heavy stones, place a small charge of PE(remember do not mix up the accompanying fuse cord and det' cord), ensuring 15-20 seconds on the charge. Now, this allows the box to settle and ensures maximum compression. Piranhas have a fearsome reputation but are remarkably good eating. Dozens float to the surface, quickly gut and fillet the white meat. Find another ammo' box, a soupcon of oil, lots of chopped garlic, chilli to taste, throw in an onion(shallots are better), add rice at the end and allow to simmer. Drain and serve a tasty, nutritious piranha and rice supper. Again, do not confuse det' and fuse cord, or you will have no hands to eat this wonderful meal.

Jum was elected unopposed. ie nobody else could be arsed.

The Rectum continues to Tweet. Mostly, it's a dialogue between Jum and Angela Haggerty on the merits of today's car park protests at ra Stade de Gadd. However, his two latest broadcasts provide an insight into his deep sense of injustice. He has returned to Gerrard's post match reaction to Alfie's flying forearm, "I'm chipping in for a guide dog for him". When Rangers defeated United 4-zip at Ibrox in September, Jum's Twitter feed ended at half time when the light Blues were winning 2-0. He had nothing to say about Edwards studding of Morelos, probably knew he could rely on Michael Stewart to speak for him. Still, it's good to know Jum is NOT hurting, his latest Tweet is straight out of the PQ stock reply, "I knew Rangers would win today. As they should given the huge financial imbalance between them and Utd, and 2-1 is not the hiding it could have been. I have always regarded reffing as tough with split second calls .. etc, but the elbow decision today is just rank bad refereeing". Jum has nothing to say on the two penalty incidents. Jum is Rectum for all Undergraduates at Dundee Uni'. I hope the Guide Dog Training School in Forfar chase Jum's very public proclamation of a donation.

Well remembered. Michael Stewart dismissed the studding of the Columbian's upper thigh by Edwards. Just like last week's Gardyne incident, Stewart demanded Scottish football should move on quickly. Edwards was NOT cautioned, the game was restarted by a drop-ball. Interesting to hear his views on tonight's Sportscene? I suspect he will demand Claire Whyte's intervention?

I suspect the Green Brigade are accusing ra Sellik of, 'resting on their Lawwells'.

Genuinely amazed, every protestor is colour co-ordinated, olive drab is the shade of choice. Why can't both the broadcast and print media refer to them as, 'the Green Brigade'?

Jum Spence epitomises the dignity demanded by the designation, 'Rectum of the University of Dundee'. Jum takes to Twitter during today's ninety minutes, his first Tweet is a clip of Morelos leaving his forearm in United's central defender, Connolly's face, with the accompanying line, "only in Scotland is this not a red. It's a Mick McManus four arm smash". The second half is better, "a wee smash and grab from Dundee United would go a small way to the years, when even great Utd sides were regularly swizzled by refs against Rangers". Both these Tweets have been re-Tweeted numerous times by the usual suspects, Spiers, Stewart, Angela Haggerty, Phil McFournames, .............. etc. You cannae beat Jum for Rectum objectivity.

We have been profligate? Roofe failed to connect with two headers, Morelos does connect but cannot guide it under the bar, and Tav's right foot effort at the near post. I think we will have to score again, at least another one to win this game?

Dundee United 1 Rangers 3 FGS : Roofe.