26th of foot

Rangers 2 Hibs 0 FGS : Morelos.

I believe emblazoned on the back of said Chest are the words, 'Davy Jones Locker'? Given the choice of three items, I cannot believe they did not opt for Dan Macphail, an acknowledged expert on maritime things going roon'n'roon and up'n'doon?

All you doubters and naysayers will see. When ra Sellik win next season's title courtesy of ra £60 million War Chest, in celebratory homage; both Gabriel and Tosh will replicate Captain Blythe's magnificent act of seamanship. They will paddle said War Chest from Tahiti to Timor, navigating across 4,000 miles of open sea. They will take only three items aboard ra Rolling Chest amid the boiling briny; a replica plaster statue of Brother Walfrid(someone to talk to), a goat(recreational purposes) and, Tosh's pet Wasp, Sylviane(Tosh enjoys a buzz about the place). Gabriel is quoted, "we aim to prove the Daily Record is a must read newspaper, it's not just something you wipe your arse with". BBC Scotland have revealed plans to film the Quest, Angela Haggerty narrating over six episodes.

Return of the War Chest. A dozen years past, former Sellik player and all round Daftie, Tosh McKinlay took to media waters and found he could swim. I should mention a flotation device was an essential, and Tosh had a preference for the, 'War Chest'. Grabbing on for dear life, Tosh spent three years boasting of unique insider information, promising ra Sellik had a War Chest of gazillions to put an end to Walter Smith's annoying continued good fortune. On both the BBC and Radio Snyde, Producers considered giving Tosh his own show, 'Tosh Talks Pysh', an appreciative audience waited to avail. Tosh ran out of puff, the War Chest dragged him under and, he was rescued by Sellik TV. Tosh found comfort in an avid ever expanding audience ripe for continuous fantasy. Tosh got in the swim by reverting to type. Those safe, calm waters surrounding ra Stade de Gadd this last decade, have recently become troubled. Of course, drowning Yahoos are a hazard to navigation and flotation devices are needed urgently. Diving in with a War Chest full of War Chests to rescue fellow webbed propulsionists, is the Daily Record's Gabriel McKay. Today's back page headline(no links) screams : "£60 million Transfer War Chest Granted to new Manager". Gabriel seamlessly impersonates Tosh, effortlessly talking pysh. He does the Yahoo arithmetic : Olivier Ntcham will be sold for £5 million. Kris Ajer is heading to Serie A for £25 million. Odsonne Edouard is a bargain at £25 million. Ryan Christie is Premiership bound for £8 million. Leigh Griffiths(pray for him) will be granted a Free Transfer saving Sellik a £1 million in wages. If you read the article and I do not recommend it, you can hear the air escaping from Gabriel's lifebelt. He finishes by reminding the readership that Lennon was given £15 million for transfers in the summer and the next manager can expect at least the same again. Before you can utter, 'Howe does that all add up'? Gabriel has another piece with Roger Mitchell, apparently he weighs in? Good, he'll drown and fish have got to eat.

You Can't See Mark Walters. There was a period of nearly four years in Scottish football, whereby some of the most interested parties viewing, found it exceedingly difficult to see Mark Walters. His debut came at Celtic Park on the second of January'88. Rangers deservedly lost 2-0 and Celtic went on to win a League and Cup double. Walters arrived at Rangers in a £500,000 move from Aston Villa on Hogmanay'87. It would be fair to say most Scottish football fans knew little or nothing of the Birmingham born winger. The self proclaimed Greatest Fans in the World(GFITW) knew he was black. The Englishman emerged from the tunnel to booing and a continuous cascade of thrown bananas. In those days, the most vibrant part of the ground was, the Jungle. An area of terracing, running the length of the north side of the pitch. That day in the Jungle, a dozen of TGFITW replete in Gorilla suits toted entire bunches of bananas. The cinder track and the first ten yards of playing surface in front of the Jungle was carpeted with the elongated yellow fruit. The kick-off was postponed for six minutes, it took that long for the ground staff to remove the herbaceous fruit from the park. Sportscene began with a shot of half-a-dozen bananas in a track side puddle, Archie Macpherson voiced over another delay to the second half. Again it took the ground staff six minutes to clear the playing area. The next morning, the Sun's front page screamed, "Yes, we have no Bananas". It told of Asian shopkeepers all over the city selling out. The rest of the Scottish press seemed pretty reticent, the overwhelming emphasis was on a resurgent Celtic putting Souness back in his box. A week later, Rangers had played two home games against Dundee and Morton, it was reported a single Rangers season ticket holder was reported for racist chanting. The following Saturday, Rangers visited Tynecastle and the Jambos greeted Walters in similar fashion to the GFITW. Suddenly, the Scottish fourth estate found moral courage. The epitome was Jim Craig of Lisbon Lion fame. He utilised his Guardian column to batter Hearts and Hearts supporters, but fail failed to condemn the behaviour of his fellow Celtic supporters of a fortnight before. Hardly surprising, at the culmination of his playing career, Jim took off to Apartheid South Africa for five years to provide a specific Dental service. It took two weeks to see Mark Walters, a fortnight before the vile abuse suffered was not awkward and inconvenient. Let's move this on three and a half years, FIFA were discussing players being resident for five years in a country they were playing in, could turn out for said country, if selected. The Daily Record reported Walters as an example, in a year he could be wearing the cobalt blue. The then Glasgow Herald had a most popular Diarist, Tom Shields. he was mostly referred to as, 'Tim Shields' because of his obvious leanings. In fact, when he left the Herald he went on to host a column in the Celtic View for several years titled, 'the Tim Shields Diary'. Tom had difficulty with his eyes. Tom reported Mark Walters could legitimately play for Scotland because of his Scottish blood. We did not have to wait another year. You see as Tom explained; Scots explorer, David Livingstone had his arm bitten off and consumed by a lion. Mark Walters great-grandfather had hunted, killed and, eaten said lion. Thus, Mark had Scots blood in his veins. Laugh, I nearly did. Rangers supporters complained, it was reported as, "an organised complaint" and Tom was told to apologise. Well he did and he didn't. It took nearly three years, but eventually Tom penned a vague column that neither apologised, nor mentioned Mark Walters. The Herald Editorial team accepted it and Tom moved on to join Matt McGlone at ra Sellik View. Approaching a decade after Walters debut, it was a boil needing lanced. Scotland's premier Sunday had a supplement called, 'Seven Days'. It specialised in politics and current affairs and was Edited by Charleen Sweeney. She found an ambitious useful idiot, Sanjeev Kohli. A First Class Honours Grad' in Mathematics, Sanjeev's family had experienced recent bad press on being slum Landlords in Glasgow's West End and knew the benefits of experiencing a Rite of Passage. He agreed to sink the boot into Rangers and Rangers supporters for the reward of working at BBC Scotland. He was given the blank canvas of two and a half pages of the Sunday broadsheet to tell the tale. A considerable feat considering his failing sight? He told of his Seek upbringing, his attendance along with two brothers(the sex pest, Hardeep and senior Met' Police officer, Randeep) at St Aloysius College and, his life long support for Rangers. He told of crowding into the Rangers end of Celtic Park on the 2nd of January'88 and witnessing scenes that ended his support of the Ibrox club. Sanjeev was surrounded by Bears in monkey suits, screaming racist abuse and, throwing bananas the distances between 40 and 120 yards to land in front of the Jungle. Didn't the Jesuits say, "give us the boy aged seven and we will give you the man"? Again, an organised complaint. Seven Days acknowledge a high correspondence. Charleen published three letters, two from Sanjeev's brothers backing his story and a one paragraph block from a Rangers supporter accusing Sanjeev of false memory syndrome. Sanjeev survived and these days he is in with the PQ bricks. In all the discussions reference racism in Scottish football, Mark Walters debut remains unseen. Just before New Year, former Sellik View cub reporter, Allison McConnell began a piece in the Herald with the following line : "so thirty years ago, Mark Walters had a banana thrown at him". Careful Allison!

Good, I bet Bar'72 remains untouched? I am founding the Defence of Bar'72, keep it functional, Bucket and Mop Loyal RSC(Lanyards must be worn).

A good friend and his wife invited me and mine to lunch at Argyll House, Christmas week. A good day, and I dropped down to Bar'72 to see if any progress had been made in refurbishment? It had not been touched and I was comfortable with that. I liked the functional bar, accompanying bar stools and, decorated by frescos of celebrating Bears in Barca. The suggestions box was still sitting behind the bar, I penned a hopeful sarcastic note of conning towers with machine guns to prevent non-lanyard wearing poor people from gaining entry. After my legitimate grumbling about pricing out a lot of good(many elderly) Rangers supporters, I paid for two seasons. I have received a match day programme for every game and RTV. Still, I have NOT received my lanyard. The warm wood ambience, Italian ceramic bathrooms, waitress service, ...... etc will appeal to some? I go to Ibrox to watch the Rangers. I am beginning the nostalgia thread for old Bar'72 - a homage to the plastic Bodega. Will the new Lounge'72 serve a chilled Tio Pepe extra dry fino sherry?

Rangers 4 Cove Rangers 0 FGS : Defoe.

My fear is familiarity breeds contempt. If we progress, it's two games against Sellik in a fortnight, progress further and it's two games against saints in 3-4 days. Reach the semis or final, then it's equally two games against whoever in a short time. The other thing about games against the same opposition in short periods is on/off field grudges, tinderr box stuff. Keep it professional to the last kick of the ball this season.

4th round : the winners of Rangers v Cove Rangers have drawn ra Sellik at home weekend of 170421. 5th round : the winners of the 4th round tie have drawn the winners of St Johnstone/Clyde tie at home.

I note the Scottish Cup last sixteen draw is to take place at 2pm Sunday 040421. Thus, the eventual winners of our tie against Cove Rangers will know their next opponents before kick-off. There could be a problem, considering the match Referee is Kevin Clancy. His normal instructions apply, no side with Rangers in the name should progress. Anyways, whoever wins our tie, let's hope there's trepidation at the thought of meeting Falkirk in the next round?

I think Sunday's game is the fourth time that Paul Hartley has brought a side to Ibrox on Scottish Cup duty? Of course, I don't want to jinx it; however, Paul's results have been poor : Alloa lost 7-0, Dundee lost 4-0 and, Falkirk succumbed 4-1. Here's hoping it continues?

I have received a club e-mail stating there will be NO Rangers TV coverage of this match. Apparently, Premier Sports have exclusivity?

'Whataboutery' has an interesting derivation. It's another example of the Ulsterisation of the mood music of Scottish life. It used to be said, you cannot debate using your opponent's language, if you expect to win. Go back in excess of two decades and one of the first websites to gain prominence was, 'Slugger O'Toole'. It was a site for discussion around Irish politics. Of course, the Troubles in Northern Ireland featured heavily. Threads were guillotined to stop the habitual, "ah but you did this" continuum. If you could not bring something new to the discussion, it was called a 'whataboutery' foul. Supposedly, remembering or reminding of IRA atrocities did not advance the discussion to satisfactory conclusion. The usual suspects brought it into Scots journalism, Kevin McKenna, Spiers, Spence, ...... etc. Stuart Cosgrove was it's first and most frequent user; even presently, he will label something he does not want to discuss, as whataboutery.

It would appear that Slavia Prague Chief, Jaroslav Tvrdik is the doppelganger of Heinrich Himmler? How appropriate!

In a Scottish context, I suspect the first player that raised our awareness was Joe Baker? He played for Hibs and along with Denis Law, moved to Italy. He was the son of a serving Scots soldier, born in England. He received several caps for England. Tommy Docherty took over as Scotland's national coach in 1971. His first two games were against Portugal at Hampden and Belgium at Pittodrie. He called up Bob Wilson of Arsenal. The Keeper was similar to Baker, born in England of a serving Scots soldier. We won both games, 2-1 and 1-0 respectively. By 1978, we had three players born in England, but considering themselves Scots playing for Scotland. I think most folks are sympathetic to the above circumstances, it's the tenuous Grandparent rule that causes most discern among supporters.

Bringing a Tear to a Glass Eye. It's official, another piece of shit has been added to the hill of dung. Of course, this particular piece of shit will scamper atop and crow. Broonaldo has signed a two year deal as Abergreen's next Player/Coach. He teams up with an excited, Stephen Glass. The newly appointed Dandy boss knows the Lego chewing maestro will help attract new players to the Reds. Declan Gallagher, Leigh Griffiths(pray for him) and SumOther Arsewipes are all in the Dave Cormack pipeline. It must be true, the Daily Record's Bigot-in-Chief, Darren Cooney tells us so. You know, back in the 70s and 80s, former Rangers players were almost guaranteed another pay day at Tynecastle. Sandy Jardine, Alex McDonald, Jim Denny, Wullie Johnston, Derek Ferguson, Dave McPherson, ................ etc. Now, it appears the Northern lights throws a last ambient shine on to such has beens as, Derek Whyte, Niall McGinn, Gary Makay-Stevens, Paul Hartley, Jonny Hayes, .................. etc. I hope Leigh gets the move, I think he could tackle both a Buttery and a Rowie?

I was wondering? After last evening's Scottish Cup reversal for the Boys in Maroon at the hands of the mighty Brora Rangers, does the PQ mantra still hold? Do Hearts remain a model club?

I suspect you may be correct? I noted when Broonaldo first appeared, he was still chewing the remains of one of his lego bricks. Scott has daily access to Lego's Pick-a-Brick selection and only chooses six dimpled blocks. There is a 24 hour marinade process, Scott secures the block into the shuch of his arse throughout the working day, and enjoys the extra flavour enthused from an eight hour kip. Guaranteed to keep releasing flavoured jus throughout the ninety minutes and provide a feeling of immense well being during post-match media duties. Dave Cormack has secured Scott's future to the Dandies, assuring him the new stadium will be built exclusively by lego blocks.

I suspect Ann Budge is currently on the ham bone to Derek McInnes?

Slavia, I am sure you have read Alexander Bah's account of last Thursday evening's events at Ibrox? I confess, I am Squadron Leader Perky Perkins and I led the Skoda Swarmers on to the pitch and into the tunnel. It was a fast penetrative raid to raise the tone of the game. We attempted to inflict numerous casualties upon the collective dignity of Slavia Prague, but the pedals on two Skodas broke, another ran out of panache and, the SatNav on mine went wonky. before you accuse me, I am certain Alexander Bah started it.

Yep, Kevin's old man was a Sergeant in the Glasgow police in the 60s, he founded the Catholic Police Guild. He believed a serving soldier in the Scots Guards was Bible John. Thirty years later, and said Scots Guard deceased, Kevin provided information to then Chief Reporter at the Daily Record, Anna Smith. A series of front page stories led to the deceased soldier's remains being disinterred. It took a few months, but eventually Anna told the readership he was NOT Bible John, sixth column page 9. Anna decided to retire to her coastal cottage in Donegal and become an Author. Her first book was titled, 'Spit in the Wind'. Anna's main thrust on the Bible John story was the British Army harboured a serial killer, she did not care, nor did she apologise to the deceased soldier's surviving family. Another story that hastened her departure was the murder of Lawrence Haggerty. Again, with Kevin's advice, Anna pursued front page headlines of sectarian murder. Lawrence had been a Celtic Boys Club player, Anna was convinced he had been tortured and even after a Scout Master was convicted; Anna's last line was, 'Police are refusing to rule out a sectarian motive for murder'. Anna and Kevin - role models for Jane and Bernie.

Changing the Angle of Attack. League football is over, bar the shouting. Rangers have won the title, gone to the Chamber half-arsed, barely got out of second gear and secured a draw. The gap remains 20 points with only the five matches after the split to go. There has been some shouting, Jum Spence late of the PQ parish couldn't take it, he Tweeted :"Watching the highlights that Celtic squad should hang their heads for abject surrender this season to a Rangers side which wasn't as good, but had more heart and better organisation". Jum is uncannily like Michael Stewart(more of whom later), he pings dozens of ridiculous Tweets throughout the season reference Sellik, "fast, fluent, and frighteningly impressive" and my favourite, "Celtic have secured ten-in-a-row with the signing of Shane Duffy". The Rectum digs a hole and cannot help defecate another turd in justification. Mainly, the generated PQ noise came from the News/Current Affairs Bhoys and Ghirls, a fortnight after Rangers supporters celebrated in George Square. A mixed message, you see Professor Jason Leitch told us on Off the Ball, there was no correlation between joyous Bears and further outbreaks of Covid. Step forward Jane Hamilton and her source, Assistant Chief Constable Bernard Higgins. Bernie told Jane, some officers were quarantining after policing duties in George Square. No numbers, no names and, no specific interviews. Still, good enough for PQ to have it as lead news item on all means throughout the weekend. The Bernie and Jane double act hitting the top of the bill is nothing new. Go back 30 years, then it was Anna Smith and Superintendent Kevin Smith(no relation). Fifteen thousand Rangers supporters attending a pre-season testimonial in Sunderland was painted as a riot. There had been four arrests for fighting in a club, but Anna and Kevin(he provided police intelligence) claimed Sunderland had been ransacked, a 20 times jump in crime rates and, a shady gang of agent provocateurs, the ICS(Inter-City Scots) had lead proceedings. Anna accompanied Kevin and his SWAT lads on a dawn raid in Cambuslang, four teenage members of the ISC were carried out of their beds and into the jail. Front page news in the Daily Record and across Auntie Beeb. The four lads were released the next morning with no charges and no reporting. Let's hope Bernie takes Jane along on undercover raids too? You see Bernie and Jane gave PQ what it wanted, what it needed; with no regard to the truth. Jane has previous, she reported the events after the Scottish Cup final in 2016. Her Polis partner then, was Calum Steele. Police Scotland did not respond to pitch invasions at Hampden because Bears leaving the ground, deliberately prevented responding vehicles by throwing their children in front of the wagons. Apparently, this was a well practised tactic in Northern Ireland by the PUL community? It's quite a comeback for Jane, you see Rangers supporters complained to IPSO(Independent Press Standards Organisation) for her reporting of cup final day events, and IPSO upheld our complaint. Another fallout of that final, was an examination of Jane's social media. Lot's of sectarian language and photos of her and a stage full of cronies. The pictures were all taken at Sellik Park, she was posing with Stacey Mullen(Assistant Editor at the Herald), Connie McLaughlin, Rosie King(SSP MSP), and Alison McConnell. All sitting together in the green comfy seats overlooking the Green Brigade below, and none of them saw a hanging effigy twisting in the breeze? Superintendent Kevin Smith made it all the way to Chief Constable of Central Region Constabulary. I am sure in today's politicised Police Scotland, Assistant Chief Constable Higgins will be similarly rewarded? Sticking it on the H-u-ns earns you wriggle room. Michael Stewart has so much space he can turn an oil tanker. After cautioning against Kamara submitting a racism claim, he reminded the listenership of ross County's Gardyne and, concluded there was a lack of corroboration. A host of pundits including Preston, McCann, Bartley, Dodds, ....... etc chorused, "Bongani Zungu". Michael like Jum, went on to justify things he had said in two previous shows and why he said them. The Tweet from Rio Ferdinand telling Michael to educate himself was water off a duck's back. Michael is right, particularly when he's wrong.

The Premiership Trophy? Today, we drew 1-1 at the Chamber of Secrets, we remain 20 points ahead with five games still to play. Do we pick up the trophy today and bring it back to Ibrox? When is it presented in these Covid blighted times?

Balogun is struggling badly. Balls are being played both inside and outside him. Further, they have chipped a couple over his head too. I don't think Sellik have attacked down our left? The manager will have to sort the right back problem in the second half. The midfield look insipid.