26th of foot

As you well know, both Boss and Bluedell are ersatz Bean Counters and are NOT welcome at my ersatz party plans for promoting modular containers. Habitually, they want to lift the lids. Reminds me, I extended an invitation to Martin Bain once, a month later we had a new Ticket Office.

Hark at you, fruit salad in East Lothian! You are just attempting to establish your much vaunted credentials as, 'a Metro Man'.

If ra Bhoy in Corduroy is of a mind to replicate his tome on PLG' short tenure, then may I suggest he turns his attention to Tony Mopery. When Tony ra Tiger arrived last summer, the newspapers rushed to underline his Sellik-Minded credentials be trumpeting Tony's bringing the pre-kick-off ritual, the Huddle to ra Stydome. Much has been written and broadcast by the on-message usual suspects about what is actually said in the green'n'grey hooped ring. I can exclusively reveal that each game, the skipper reads two names from the on going rota. One is nominated as a recipient of Spiers cheese blowing services, the other has to administer a simultaneous fisting to the corduroy clad clown. Tony has served to lead, stridently taking the huddled masses towards the vision provided(by GCC) at the bottom of ra Gallowgate. The Yahoos want to travel this road towards the salvation on offer at the PlasTIC Paddy Theme Park, a dozen licenced premises flying republican tricolours, a Sinn Fein shoap, and a bespoke retailer called, 'Timland'. Among the gaudy coloured accoutrement which hail hails the very epitome of, 'pure Sellik by ra way an'at kno', they find their greatest comfort. A muddle of local council provision to satisfy ra Sellik sensitivity. Last night's problem at Rugby Park was that there were only three Irishmen in the team, and a further two on the bench. Have no fear, Tony is determined to ensure his team will be a bold F-e-n-ian centre piece for the Timland window. Spiers' book, 'from Huddle to Muddle' would be a comfortable support in the same window. I can see the dust cover picture, the F-e-nian Baptist's reflection in said expanse of glass. Go for it Graham, you know you want to.

Moment and quote of the evening occurred on BBC Radio Scotland. The post match interview of the Blessed Tony was being conducted by fellow Yahoo, Chris McLaughlin. He began, "how disappointing are you"? Most apt I thought.

I have read that the Gilmorehill One is a Grand Poobah and Master of the Universe. It's a homo-erotic(Mens' Union) inspired Bonfire of the Vanities.

I suspect a coterie of Rangers hating BBC Scotland Producers and News Editors will find difficulty with that article. Running through the piece is something they will NOT recognise - BALANCE.

Oh Dear. The Objective Host of ra Show can expect an invitation to attend his Master's office soonest, for interview without coffee, biscuits, or chair. Peter Lawwell will administer full punishment again. I suspect Bitter enjoys the pain.

In MON's penultimate season, I remember the Herald(the living, beating heartbeat of ra Sellik at the time) reporting he had several hundred thousand preferential shares and received a Dividend of �£200,000. Further, the season after he left, the Herald reported he was in receipt of �£80,000 as a Preferential Share Dividend despite selling most of his shares when he departed.

Another hugely important factor in ra Sellik's financial well being, is the concept of 'the Preferential Share'. I believe these were sold in ra Sellik's third share issue. The amount raised paid Elmer Fudd(some of you may know him as Fergus McCann) �£39million to live the rest of his two dimentional life on a Caribbean Island. The heavy hitters gobbled up these shares, MON was paid part of his salary in them, Gary Mulgrew posted bail in Texas with them, and they are the currency of choice amid Glasgow's gangsters. The Preferential Share pays a Dividend. Dr John's and Lawwell's constant refrain about, 'Fiscal Prudence" stems from the annual demand of these shares to weigh in their holders.

Reference the Establishment. Which SPL club currently has as Chairman an MP that has held two of the four great Offices of State ie Secretary of State for both Home and Foreign Offices? Which SPL club currently has on it's Board(and he is a former Chairman of said club) a former Governor of the Bank of England? Which SPL club currently has a former MP on their Board, who was a Junior Office Minister in both the Departments of Transport and Trade and Industry? Which SPL club currently has a supporters club entitled, 'the Westminster CSC' boasting in excess of 60 members? Here's a wee clue, all members are serving MPs. Which SPL club has been hosting political business meetings for two decades? It makes sense for the various MPs, MSPs, MEPs, and Councillors to conduct business in the one place where they all regularly congregate. Which SPL club is in receipt of considerable public funds on the back of the Commonwealth Games project?

Ewing Grahame has moved firmly into the Nuremberg Hugh camp of Mowbray must go soonest. Expect lot's more of the same. They will be encouraging fellow Yahoo, James Grady to administer the coup de gras tonight.

The Journo involved, Thomas Jordan is another of Lawwell's on-message types. Jordan has never been slow to flash his Irish republican credentials, his uncle is a senior journo in one of the republican newspaers in Belfast. As stated, not one quote from anyone involved in 'the story'. Thus, preferred speculation being presented as truth.

I attended the game at Kilbowie, I think it was a pre-season affair. Both players looked the business and I remember our reserve right back that day, Gus MacPherson run ning the length of the field to get on the end of a ball on the edge of the box. He spun and dincted the Clydebank keeper. Great goal

Anna Smith's big break through was her week long coverage of her fantasy, 'Riot in sunderland'. In excess of 15,000 Bears travelled to Roker Park for a testemonial, 16 were arrested. Anna manufactured a riot and had a double page spread on a Timetable of Violence. She included sinister figures seen running from car at 3am in South Shields(more than a dozen miles away). She followed it up with more front page exclusives, she was present at a dawn raid in Cambuslang that saw 4 Bears arrested for a slashing in a Sunderland nightclub. Anna was working closely with Kevin Smith(no relation) who was a Chief Inspector in Cambuslang). Anna had no front page headline ready, in fact failed to comment at all, when the 4 lads were released the following afternoon, none of them had ever been in Sunderland. Next, Anna was present at another dawn operation in Bridgeton, Kevin Smith was now a Superintendant at London Road Polis station. It was the night before the Scottish Cup final and local Bears had painted the kerb stones around Brigton Cross, red, white, and blue. Anna reported on the front page as Council workmen, protected by police, painted the kerbs black. Then, it was Bible John. Anna had inside Polis information(I wonder from whom) that Bible John was a former Scots Guardsman, originally from Stonehouse. Front page again and again over several weeks, the black and white photo of said Scots Guardsman in uniform filling the page. Anna found the British part in British Army to be a pejoritive term. Anyway, she succeeeded in whipping up the public storm and Guardsman's body was exhumed for DNA testing. Over four months later, the tests proved negative. Anna did not return to the story and failed to apologise to the former soldiers family. Then, the Orkney Sex Abuse trial, Anna was convinced on numerous front pages that the Minister was at the root of all evil. He was never charged. RC priest Jim Lawlor was the parish high heid-yin in Dalmarnock. He suffered constant sectarian abuse, lot's of quotes from the Commander of E Division, Chief Superintendant Kevin Smith. We had front page serialisation of father Jim's trials. A few years later and Jim Lawlor is parish priest in Hillington and two elderly parishioners pop in of a Sunday evening to light a candle or two; only to find father Jim atop the alter with a dildo up his arse. Anna failed to report this. Oh, a few front pages on Brian Demsey's extra-marital affairs; always assuring the readership that divorce was never an option as he remains a devout rc. We could go on, and on ....................... etc with Anna; but I am sure you get the picture. When Kevin Smith made Assistant Chief Constable, Anna was convinced to take on drug dealers and pushers. It was a six month front page campaign, shop a dealer. Anna was soon in a state of alarm, constantly threatened, panic alarms installed in the house, constant Polis protection, ......etc. Anna suddenly resigned and headed off to her white walled cottage on the Donegal coast to pen her semi-autobiographical tome, 'Spit in the Wind'. A new career as an Author beckoned, she failed. Anna pitched up at the News of the Screws over a year past and continued spitting her venom and spewing her bile.

I note the journo of the piece is David McCarthy. At the culmination of MON's first season, the legions of Yahooery were in a highly excited state. MON ticked all the boxes, most importantly he was about to deliver a treble. It was an interesting period watching a number of Yahoos breaking cover to associate themselves with new found success. David McCarthy teamed up with the then Chief Reporter of the Record, Anna Smith to pen a a biography of MON. It was the expected misty-eyed, over emphasised Irish nationalist tome. It was available for sale on the day of the last league game of the season. The Record complied and serialised the produced nonsense. Lot's of dosh made all around. The only person not to comply with this exercise in Anna purchasing her white walled cottage on the Donegal coast, was MON himself. He refused to credit or acknowledge the book and it quickly sank into various discounted book bins. In my opinion, no Bear would trust Anna Smith. Similarly, David McCarthy should NEVER be trusted by any Rangers supporter.

I suggest the next time we have a match where Steve Conroy is officiating, we sing with gusto : "One Brother Conroy, there's only one Brother Conroy, .................. etc". Bears do, do irony.

It was classic a good cop/bad cop routine. Poison Pat Pending's good cop was absolutely necessary to allow Rheinhart to articulate the on message, 'ra Sellik are perennial vicTIMS'. The Referees' Association is watching and have threatened legal action in the past, BBC Scotland are compelled to rely on Rheinhart's Am-Dram experience. Further, Rheinhart's bleating about Grassi's sending off was classic. They have NO footage of the incident, although PPP volunteers the Club camera picked up the incident. Anyway, Rheinhart talks over the footage of McGhee on the touchline gesticulating at the Linesman, James Bee and shouting at him. The footage shown is a clear attempt to justify McGhee's fantasies. Rheinhart does NOT tell us that McGhee is quoted after the game saying, "I cannot comment on the Assistant Referee's performance but I can say I don't like the guy". Further, McGhee then goes on to claim Paul Heggarty threatened to break his legs during his playing days. McGhee has since apologised saying Heggarty did NOT threaten him. McGhee is clearly a fantasist and Rheinhart failed to arrive at that conclusion too. BBC Scotland, where you are allowed to sit extremely comfortably with your preferred prejudice.

Bluedell, I was not in attendance yesterday. My information reference Wullie Collum was based on the aftermath of the Dundee United game when all media outlets were quoting him as the old firm fourth official.

There is NO excuse. Hugh Keevins was flagging up Steve Conroy's credentials on Radio Snyde's Saturday Superscoreboard show, "Steve Conroy will get the blame by the losing side, he'll get the blame from one side before the game begins because of his name". Interestingly, Nuremberg Hugh did NOT return to the topic of Steve's name yesterday afternoon, whilst fending off his conspiracy laden fellow Sellik supporters on the phone-in. If Radio Snyde has a play back function, I urge all Bears to have a listen, it's priceless. Regular caller, Sean Murphy from Prestwick blamed ra Sellik's constant failure to convert chances created, on the songs being sung by the Rangers support.

Around the twentieth minute of yesterday's game, the familiar refrain lifted from the stands of ra Stydome, "who's the mason in the black"? Really, the Yahoos do NOT do irony. The oft heard chant is the result of generations of conditioning. Yesterday's Referee was Steve Conroy, an East Kilbride GP and devout rc. A couple of seasons past during the title run-in, Conroy chalked off an Aberdeen equaliser in the dying moments at ra Stydome. All replays showed the goal should have stood. The stands at ra Stydome cheered Dr Steve, (or is it Brother Steve) to the echo that day. Further, yesterday's fourth official was Wullie Collum, a Religious Education teacher at Cardinal Numan High School in Bellshill. I fear Dr Steve will be a busy man this coming week, prescribing liquid sunshine to a host of his fellow unhappy green'n'grey hoopsters. I suggest to relieve the pressure on the NHS, that a free bus service be laid on to the Erskine Bridge.

The 'story' is from the poison pen of Mark 'the Slug' Guidi. Remember his line to Radio Snyde's objective host, Bitter Martin, "it's not that I hate Rangers, it's just that I dislike them"? The Slug is not big on objectivity.

I seem to remember he remained at the club for a couple of seasons, playing regularly in both youth and reserve teams.

Last night as the snow was falling and Kris was banging in five goals, I was reminded of a winter's late afternoon at Bayview in 1972. Derek Parlane was our new young centre forward sensation, he scored four goals that day against East Fife and the Bears had a most apt festive refrain to honour his efforts: 'Par-lane, Par-lane, Par-lane, Par-lane, Par-lane's the King of Ibrox Park'. Kris-Boyd would scan just as well.

After twelve and half seconds of today's game, I was convinced the Producer of tomorrow night's Sportscene would be on the ham bone to Hibs season ticket holder and Rangers hater, Pat Nevin. I could see the wee bastard in full homage to Harry Potter, clicking and gesticulating that ballpoint pen in wizard wand mode, his rimless specs perched on the edge of his neb, and ejaculating over the genius of Anthony Stokes. Fortunately, we have been spared an appearance of Hairy Patter. After an hour of the game, I am convinced wee Pat and his two sons were rushing for the vomitories, like the majority of their fellow happy Hibees. I suspect we will be landed with either Craig Paterson or Billy Dodds; although wee Pat and his intellectual comfort blanket pen might be more entertaining in the light of a 1-4 humping by the mighty Rangers.

I heard the last several minutes of BBC Radio Scotland's coverage last evening. Richard Gordon was quite fulsome in his praise of Rangers and asked Billy Dodds to sum up, "It wasn't all about Rangers, United were poor defensively. Craig Levein will have something to say about the defending that saw them two nil down, maybe if they had got the third goal we could have had a grandstand finish". Billy must be a riot as Queen of the South's attacking play coach.