26th of foot

Sometimes the comedy writes itself. BBC Scotland's Scottish football page today(Wednesday 090425) has the Gossip headline - "Leeds' form may affect Rangers takeover". I know I shouldn't click on the link but I do and the leading paragraph reads, "Leeds United dropping out of the automatic promotion places in the Championship could affect Andrew Cavenagh and a 49ers enterprise group headed by Paraag Marathe's takeover of 51% of Rangers shares(Scottish Sun)". Thus, some staffer at PQ has perused the morning papers and decided the Sun's interpretation of Elland Road machinations provides most comfort and decides that it is their gossip headline and lead story. I know I shouldn't but being aware Leeds won at Middlesbrough and Sheffield United lost at home to Millwall(I read through BBC Scotland's provided results for last evening), I checked the Championship table standings as of today(090425). I find with five games to go, Leeds United are sitting top of the table equal on points with Burnley with a better goal difference of plus nine. Further, they are two points ahead of Yorkshire rivals, Sheffield United and have a better goal difference of 27. Fourth place Sunderland sit nine points behind. I am NOT being a cheerleader for the proposed takeover nor, am I being a naysayer. The point here is why BBC Scotland chose such a headline and opening paragraph when the facts clearly show the comedic ludicrousness of the decision. If PQ CSC need their preferred headline to be true then, they better start sticking more pins into their voodoo dolls of current Leeds United players. BBC Scotland are obsessed.

STAUNCH! Well, it has been just over a month since doleful Phil departed the Stadium and the interim management team of Barry, Neil, Billy and, Allan were appointed. There has been six games, four league fixtures against Killie(a), Motherwell(h), Sellik(a) and Dundee(a). A last sixteen Euro tie against Fenerbache was squeezed in between. There has also been a week long international break; thus, an unforgivingly hectic schedule. Time for rumination has been utilised for the higher priority of grabbing breaths. Inhalation over PQ way is more difficult, the collective airways are constantly blocked by bubbling hilarity. Over these last few years, I have provided dozens of examples of why BBC Scotland should be considered a Sellik state of mind. Where the ACSOM podcast leads, Pacific Quay is sure to follow. The kd lang tribute act and ACSOM main presenter, Paul John Dykes told his viewers, "Barry Ferguson does not have a brain, his team is all about spirit, spit and sawdust". An on screen contributor chipped in with, "Barry is being helped by a couple of BBC Scotland's staunchest pundits". STAUNCH became the defining word. Right across their football content, there was a compulsion at PQ to describe the appointments as STAUNCH. We are talking Sportsound, Sportscene, Off the Ball, A View from the Terrace, .............., etc. Wullie Miller, Chris McLaughlin, Tom English, Stephen Thomson, Stephen McGinn, the diversity twins RAB and Tam, Craig Telfer, Craig Fowler, ......... etc all uttered the word. Some mixed in the unappetising relish of jokes that implied 'thick with it too'. To reinforce the message, the mental imagery was related, the brown brogues on the marble staircase and Barry driving through the Auchenhowie gates in an orange Ford Ranger. It was a STAUNCH sniggerfest. We are all products of our conditioning and fifty-sixty years past in both Primary and Secondary school playgrounds, we told Pat and Mick jokes. You know Pat and Mick decide to take up fishing but quickly realise the cost of clothing and equipment could be prohibitive. Thus, Pat tells Mick to hold him over the bridge by his ankles. When he has his hands on a fish he will shout 'haul' and Mick pulls him up. After an hour, Pat hollers 'haul'. Mick asks, you've caught a fish to which Pat replies, 'naw, there's a train coming'. During senior school and University, we were told these jokes were unacceptable. The Irish are an erudite people, relating jokes confirming a lack of education was a device allowing easy and lazy hatred. RAB Cosgrove has an easy and lazy get out when he feels discomfort, he refers to, "cheeky football rivalry". Can he fit in the following jokes told on BBC Scotland in the last month to that three word phrase? Barry enters a restaurant with EBT Team and is presented with a menu. He tells the waiter, 'we will have the Pageone'. The waiter informs him that he is reading Page One of the menu. Barry approaches the counter and orders, 'a fish supper and a can of coke'. Lady behind the counter replies, 'Ah think you've got the wrong place, this is a Library'. Barry thinks and leans in to whisper, 'a fish supper and a can of coke'. Barry appeared on Countdown alongside Ian Ferguson and it was the only time the show concluded in a nil-nil draw. Barry has to be portrayed as both staunch and thick because it makes him easier to hate. The facts are unhelpful, he married his RC childhood sweetheart, their children were baptised in that faith and, initially their children attended denominational schools. The Establishment broadcaster ignores the facts and continues to pump out the staunch and thick line because they want to be seen as strict adherents to the narrative demanded by the Establishment club. Now, that is staunch.

How long before the Green Brigade declare Dor Turgeman a legitimate target?

I have informed this forum before; according to the current MyGers accounts, I am within five points of being appointed Rangers Gaffer. I demand my moniker be included in your list.

It would be a good idea if the club donated all funds raised to WaterAid UK.

Dell is a Bean Counter. All his beans are fair trade and his counter(abacus) is constructed from wood sourced from sustainable forests.

I encourage Dell to 'raise it' in the womens toilets.

Retaining one's calm at ra Stade de Gadd demands a bit of the Flight of the Bumblebee. Rimsky-Korsakov Loyal RSC.

I note Police Scotland have taken half-a-dozen statements reference possible "assault". Detective Chief Inspector Jim Taggart has already been quoted, "theres been a soaking, a dead bad soaking".

Rousseau, Is the above an original Jackson Pollock or one of your own finger painted creations?

The Bunnet bought ra Sellik for £10 million. He arrived with a five year plan, including redevelopment of ra Stade de Gadd. He organised three share issues to raise the necessary funds. At the end of the five years another share issue(preferential shares) was issued. This raised enough dosh for Fergus to walk away from Scottish football with £30-odd million in his hip pocket. Half way through David Murray's twenty year tenure, it was obvious Rangers needed a similar transition. We are still waiting.

Calm down, calm down! Coming to ya on a dusty road, Hope, I've got a truck load. I have have been monitoring my MyGers Account this morning and note currently, I am only five points short of being appointed the next Rangers Gaffer. Attending the Rangers Ladies fixture against Hearts on Sunday should trigger immense feelings of well being.

Buckling our Swash. It is official, Rangers have appointed an interim management team of Barry Ferguson, Allan McGregor, Billy Dodds and, Neil McCann. The successors to Phil and Co have three months to steer the good ship, Rangers into calmer waters. The first question is, whose hand is on the tiller? I suspect Barry's experiences of taking the helms at Kelty, Clyde and, Alloa will see him donning the Gaffer's hat? The others will take an oar, all staining for most necessary purchase. I find the appointments to be largely underwhelming but, I admire the displayed battle speed in ramming the rotten hulk, Pacific Quay. BBC Scotland has failed to repel boarders as we have captured two of their broadcasting regulars. I loved Neil McCann as a player and we should remember he and his family suffered horrific levels of abuse and intimidation after signing. The Billy Dodds addition is strange, this is a character who went out of his way to scream, "I no longer consider myself to be a Rangers supporter" in an attempt to reposition himself when seeking a regular gig in Sunday broadsheet journalism. A successful Jolly Roger flagged raid will have repercussions. There will be a rush inside PQ to label, 'the EBT Four' and ensure this three month adventure is effectively viewed as a walk the plank exercise. RAB Cosgrove will wield the trident ensuring a boiling briney of ridicule : Why did Rangers overlook Neil Lennon again? Greegsy will walk away again the way he walked away from Scotland. Barry is thick, cue the Pageone jokes and Barry thinks a low block is Lego. The staunchometer is hitting fully segged brown brogue levels. Season tickets are about to go on sale. The 49ers are ensuring Sevco liquidation. We will be keel hauled around the roaring forties.

"Super Catholic" - sounds like a Marvel Hero. I have the mental imagery of Cardinal O'Brien, remember he was Cardinal for all Scots. A Hero figure should have a cape and Cardinal Keith sported a crimson example. Or, maybe Jum Spence in a Peruvian Poof Cape is a better fit?

It is official. Chris McLaughlin has just appeared on BBC Scotland's lunchtime news, standing on his preferred Hinshelwood grassy knoll. The main stand is over his shoulder and the eyes are twitching, straining for expected snipers when he uttered, "there exists a broad agreement among all parties". I was expecting him to burst into a chorus of, 'I left my heart in ................. Papworth General'. Speculation will mount, Chris has(had) a heart?

I think I have mentioned this before? The Sultans of Oman are absolute monarchs, best described as benevolent despots. During 1988, the incumbent was Qaboos bin Said and he was particularly benevolent. After attending Sandhurst in the early 60s, he served for three years in Lanarkshire's regiment, the Cameronians. In the late 70s, he financed the construction of the Royal Military Academy's olympic sized swimming pool. When you enter the building you are reminded of his benevolence by the life sized oil portrait of the Sultan replete in Cameronian number one dress. The border between Oman and Yeman remains largely undefined. These last sixty years, the Sultans have been conducting a Hearts and Minds exercise based on both education and health. Concurrently, well financed paramilitaries within Yemen have been conducting an insurgency of low intensity to run interference on schools and clinics. The Sultan's counter is a grouping of controlled patrols protecting said centres and the necessary supply lines. He prefers the Company and Battalion designations to be commanded by British officers. Thus, in August'88 I was leading a patrol company on a ten day visitation to villages and hamlets. The purpose was to ensure a couple of Kiwi nurses achieved access to conduct vaccinations and well women clinics(effects of female circumcision - don't ask). On the fifth evening we left a village and headed several klicks to a wadi with the intent to establish an overnight patrol harbour. I knew Rangers had played ra Yahoos that afternoon at Ibrox but, had maintained professional discipline. After stand-to I returned to my basher and asked my signals Sgt to rig a whip antennae knowing I was being unprofessional. It was silent hours and I tuned to the BBC World Service for the wonderful Paddy Feeny's football roundup. The desert revealed a starry, starry night and I listened as Paddy enthusiastically narrated, "all the action from the game of today at Ibrox". The ensuing five minutes were torture as Paddy played a sequence of 15-20 second commentary sections. He began with, "we were treated to a six goal thriller" and promptly followed with the commentary of McAvennie notching the first goal. I thought we have lost six nil. The next two commentary clips revealed we had secured a 2-1 half time lead. The descrition of Ray Wilkins 25 yard volley had me screaming, SILENTLY! When we scored our third, my thought was it will finish 3-3. When Mark Walters ran the fifth, I was in the Derry, the East Enclosure, the District Bar, ................ doing the bouncy whilst silently screaming. It will always remain the warmest of memories given the circumstances, even a cold scoff of tinned pilchards did not diminish my cheerfulness at cuffing ra Yahoos 5-1. It was another month and a return to Muscat before I saw video highlights.

I attended yesterday and also attended Berwick Rangers in January'67; however, neither makest it into my worst Rangers watching experience. My choice is the quarter-final Anglo-Scottish Cup second leg away to Chesterfield in October'80. It was the death of a side that had secured the ECWC, three League championships, two trebles and, four-five other trophies. The season before, Rangers had eliminated Juventus and PSV from the European Cup. We went out at the quarter-final stage by an odd goal against a very good Cologne side. Nottingham Forrest Gaffer, Brian Clough thanked Rangers for completing the hard yards that allowed his side to secure the cup with the big ears. I had been on a week long exercise in Exmoor, the EndEx' was the morning of the game and the post exercise admin' culminated at around two in the afternoon. You are in your own time now had been bellowed and I jumped into the car for a four hour drive to a sodden Derbyshire. I got in, stood on an open terrace, got well and truly drookit and watched the McCloy, Jardine, DJ, Doddie, Tam McLean, ..... etc take the field. We got skelped by an English third tier club, three-zip. Further, DJ had a penalty saved too. Chesterfield remains my most miserable experience.

My old man took me to Shieldhall Park in January'67. I was a ten year old Primary schoolboy and watched as Sammy Reid scored Berwick's winner. Dad decided we should go to the Berwick cinema that evening, we viewed the Blue Max starring George Peppard and James Mason. Genuinely, I do not remember much of the film other than Peppard flying his aircraft into the ground at the end. My mind was elsewhere. Today at Ibrox, I viewed Bear Force One being flown into the ground. Well done Queen's Park - anyone got a copy of the Blue Max I could watch?

Reference Scott7's memory above, I can recall Queens Park visiting Ibrox for a Glasgow Cup semi-final in 1968-69ish. An attendance of several thousand would have been optimistic but, Rangers announced Colin Stein would be playing after serving his month long suspension. In those days, players were suspended for a tme period not a number of games. The Chair of the SFA Disciplinary Committee was Sir Robert Kelly and he was a vindictive auld cnut. I believe Sir Boab continues to suck cocks in hell? Anyways, Colin, Colin Stein ran out the tunnel in front of 12,000 and expectation was a hat-trick at least. The game ended in a three-zip Rangers victory; however, Colin failed to notch. Goalkeeper, Gerry Neef got injured midway through the first period and since none of the two listed substitutes on the bench were Keepers, Colin Stein took both jersey and gloves for the rest of the game.

Becoming the Gray man. On my first morning at Sandhurst, I filed into a lecture theatre to hear the Commandant's opening address. It was several minutes of advice on how to survive the ten month long course. He finished by emphasising the first ten weeks was a period not to shine, "do not stand out and attract the attention of Directing Staff, be a grey man". Two or three weeks later you realised the Brigadier was being sage, the first half semester was deliberately designed to be overwhelming. Just endure the pressure. This time last year, the Scottish Secretary for Health, Michael Matheson had resigned his position after being caught attempting to claim eleven grand on his expenses incurred during a family holiday to Morocco. Michael was watching his beloved Sellik on his Government issued laptop and did not give a flying for the roaming charges. Michael's mea culpa came in gradations, finally agreeing to pay back the monies claimed before throwing both his teenage schoolboy sons under the bus. These last thirty years, PQ has broadcast a satirical football show twice a week, 'Off the Ball'. One would expect the Michael Matheson affair was manna from heaven for regular Presenters, RAB Cosgrove and Tam Cowan? There were three or four one liners aimed at Michael's grift but, no sustained bombardment of ridicule ensued. The Secretary for Health chose to watch his team and then decided to attempt to denude the Health budget to pay for the pleasure and the Establishment broadcaster took little to no satirical action against a supporter of the Establishment club. Peter would not like it. Two months past a submitted FOI request revealed Michael's successor in the Health designation, Neal Gray had taken nine Chauffeur driven ministerial cars to Aberdeen games at Hampden and Sellik park. Further, another four had been utilised for home Scotland internationals. Neal Gray assured Holyrood that government related meetings had taken place and necessary minutes had been taken. Neal admitted family and friends had accompanied him in said vehicles. Continuing the precedent set by Michael, Neal's mea culpa arrived with an admittance he should have diversified the club attendance and he cannot locate the afore mentioned minutes. Another open goal for 'Off the Ball', surely? Not a peep and over these last ten weeks RAB Cosgrove has been on a sickie(more to follow follow later). We have endured several stand-ins, mostly Plastic Whistle lovee, Ray Bradshaw. Others have included Susie McCabe(Sellik), Mark Nelson(Queen of the South), Marc Jennings(Sellik) and, Paul English(Sellik) - you can see an equitable divide between Yahoos and supporters of the diddy teams. A second successive Health Secretary rips off his own Department's budget in a specific Scottish football circumstance and the national broadcaster's satirical football show deliberately ignores the entire episode. Why are they allowed to sit so comfortably with their preferred prejudice? I started this piece on a personal basis and will conclude likewise. Back in early autumn, the Health Secretary attended an Alzheimer's Disease Seminar for two hours. The idea being all those involved ie health professionals, sufferers, relatives of sufferers, administrators, charity workers, ...... etc come together to relate experiences. A good idea and well done Neal Gray agreeing to attend. I have an aged Aunt, now in her ninetieth year and has been a top floor resident in a Care Home for over three years. She resides on the top floor because of a five year long Alzheimers diagnosis. Genuinely, I took note of this Seminar and was disgusted that the Health Secretary spent over an hour viewing his mobile I-Phone, monitoring his progress in the queue for Oasis tickets. Becoming the grey man is now trumped by becoming the Gray man.

Phillipe and Issame have shared and enormously enjoyed the odd Tagine. Alex Rae does not care for apricot with his lamb and knows there is no danger of such a combination at Motherwell.

Here, in deepest darkest Lanarkshire, Lanliq was correctly regarded as tonic wine with considerable medicinal properties. We travelled down to Manchester aboard the Strathclyde Uni Union self drive mini-bus. The case of Lanny on the charabanc had been placed there by a Pharmacist and all present had the necessary prescription. Old Trafford has changed on numerous occasion this last half century, it used to have a white picket line wooden fence that ran around the track. We stood in the Enclosure behind the picket next to the Stretford, many other Rangers supporters appeared most anxious to gain access to said terrace, probably to experience a better view of the game? It was most oft' referred to as, 'a bottle party'.

I attended the Manchester United - Rangers challenge match at Old Trafford in March 1974. We opened the scoring, I think John Greig swept the ball home? A half bottle of Lanliq has the effect of hallucinations on the seventeen year old mind and I mention this because I seem to remember big DJ and Derek Parlane both notched in the second half to see Rangers win 2-3. I will take the same result on Thursday evening. I am positive we can do it if Geigy, Dj and, the King of Ibrox park are fit enough to play.

I attended yesterday's proceedings at Ibrox with no expectation and no hope. Walking to the ground reminded me of my start to my intermediate academic week some fifty-five years past. I began each Monday morning with triple Latin, a double period after Assembly was followed by morning break then another forty minutes of 'o me miserum'. My Latin master was Danny Sutherland, a genuine Polyglot, he taught Latin, Greek, Russian and, Arabic. His recreation was utilising other tongues, the four at the end of the Lochgelly extra heavy were particular favourites. Mea culpa, me maxima culpa. Triple Latin was a dread, better to get in and take your punishment knowing you would feel better once it was over. Approaching the Stadium, I was lamenting Noon kick-offs. Normally, it would be over at two thirty and the process of emotional betterment could begin. What transpired was a growing feeling of being able to compete. We dominated, had 24 attempts on goal, scored three and, generally battered the Establishment club. I was transported back to the early seventies when we sang, 'who put the ball in the Sellik net, Alfie, Alfie'; securing a last minute Ne'erday victory. I was elated. Last minute singing should have been the thing but that element within our support had other ideas. Throwing coins at the £11 million Belgian fud as he prepared to take a corner was a considered better idea. Striking Arnie on the cheek bone deflects, it changes the post match narrative and, allows the Yahoos something to hang on to. Since the League Cup final, the usual suspects have queued up to tell us, "you have nothing". Latin for nothing is 'nihil' and like most Latin words it can be extrapolated to greater significance - 'the absence of anything'. Why do they persist with unconsidered actions that detract from the greater Rangers joy? If they want to dispose of ten quid, then deposit the coins in a bucket and help our well skint club. I implore the club to identify and deal with the culprits in draconian fashion. Then, we can remind Peter of his stated intension of 24 years past to indentify and deal with the Yahoo that struck Fernando Ricksen on the head with a lighter.

Festive felicitations to all Gersnetters. Hoping you receive lots of pudding and pie.