26th of foot

STAUNCH! Well, it has been just over a month since doleful Phil departed the Stadium and the interim management team of Barry, Neil, Billy and, Allan were appointed. There has been six games, four league fixtures against Killie(a), Motherwell(h), Sellik(a) and Dundee(a). A last sixteen Euro tie against Fenerbache was squeezed in between. There has also been a week long international break; thus, an unforgivingly hectic schedule. Time for rumination has been utilised for the higher priority of grabbing breaths. Inhalation over PQ way is more difficult, the collective airways are constantly blocked by bubbling hilarity. Over these last few years, I have provided dozens of examples of why BBC Scotland should be considered a Sellik state of mind. Where the ACSOM podcast leads, Pacific Quay is sure to follow. The kd lang tribute act and ACSOM main presenter, Paul John Dykes told his viewers, "Barry Ferguson does not have a brain, his team is all about spirit, spit and sawdust". An on screen contributor chipped in with, "Barry is being helped by a couple of BBC Scotland's staunchest pundits". STAUNCH became the defining word. Right across their football content, there was a compulsion at PQ to describe the appointments as STAUNCH. We are talking Sportsound, Sportscene, Off the Ball, A View from the Terrace, .............., etc. Wullie Miller, Chris McLaughlin, Tom English, Stephen Thomson, Stephen McGinn, the diversity twins RAB and Tam, Craig Telfer, Craig Fowler, ......... etc all uttered the word. Some mixed in the unappetising relish of jokes that implied 'thick with it too'. To reinforce the message, the mental imagery was related, the brown brogues on the marble staircase and Barry driving through the Auchenhowie gates in an orange Ford Ranger. It was a STAUNCH sniggerfest. We are all products of our conditioning and fifty-sixty years past in both Primary and Secondary school playgrounds, we told Pat and Mick jokes. You know Pat and Mick decide to take up fishing but quickly realise the cost of clothing and equipment could be prohibitive. Thus, Pat tells Mick to hold him over the bridge by his ankles. When he has his hands on a fish he will shout 'haul' and Mick pulls him up. After an hour, Pat hollers 'haul'. Mick asks, you've caught a fish to which Pat replies, 'naw, there's a train coming'. During senior school and University, we were told these jokes were unacceptable. The Irish are an erudite people, relating jokes confirming a lack of education was a device allowing easy and lazy hatred. RAB Cosgrove has an easy and lazy get out when he feels discomfort, he refers to, "cheeky football rivalry". Can he fit in the following jokes told on BBC Scotland in the last month to that three word phrase? Barry enters a restaurant with EBT Team and is presented with a menu. He tells the waiter, 'we will have the Pageone'. The waiter informs him that he is reading Page One of the menu. Barry approaches the counter and orders, 'a fish supper and a can of coke'. Lady behind the counter replies, 'Ah think you've got the wrong place, this is a Library'. Barry thinks and leans in to whisper, 'a fish supper and a can of coke'. Barry appeared on Countdown alongside Ian Ferguson and it was the only time the show concluded in a nil-nil draw. Barry has to be portrayed as both staunch and thick because it makes him easier to hate. The facts are unhelpful, he married his RC childhood sweetheart, their children were baptised in that faith and, initially their children attended denominational schools. The Establishment broadcaster ignores the facts and continues to pump out the staunch and thick line because they want to be seen as strict adherents to the narrative demanded by the Establishment club. Now, that is staunch.

How long before the Green Brigade declare Dor Turgeman a legitimate target?

I have informed this forum before; according to the current MyGers accounts, I am within five points of being appointed Rangers Gaffer. I demand my moniker be included in your list.

It would be a good idea if the club donated all funds raised to WaterAid UK.

Dell is a Bean Counter. All his beans are fair trade and his counter(abacus) is constructed from wood sourced from sustainable forests.

I encourage Dell to 'raise it' in the womens toilets.

Retaining one's calm at ra Stade de Gadd demands a bit of the Flight of the Bumblebee. Rimsky-Korsakov Loyal RSC.

I note Police Scotland have taken half-a-dozen statements reference possible "assault". Detective Chief Inspector Jim Taggart has already been quoted, "theres been a soaking, a dead bad soaking".

Rousseau, Is the above an original Jackson Pollock or one of your own finger painted creations?

The Bunnet bought ra Sellik for £10 million. He arrived with a five year plan, including redevelopment of ra Stade de Gadd. He organised three share issues to raise the necessary funds. At the end of the five years another share issue(preferential shares) was issued. This raised enough dosh for Fergus to walk away from Scottish football with £30-odd million in his hip pocket. Half way through David Murray's twenty year tenure, it was obvious Rangers needed a similar transition. We are still waiting.

Calm down, calm down! Coming to ya on a dusty road, Hope, I've got a truck load. I have have been monitoring my MyGers Account this morning and note currently, I am only five points short of being appointed the next Rangers Gaffer. Attending the Rangers Ladies fixture against Hearts on Sunday should trigger immense feelings of well being.

Buckling our Swash. It is official, Rangers have appointed an interim management team of Barry Ferguson, Allan McGregor, Billy Dodds and, Neil McCann. The successors to Phil and Co have three months to steer the good ship, Rangers into calmer waters. The first question is, whose hand is on the tiller? I suspect Barry's experiences of taking the helms at Kelty, Clyde and, Alloa will see him donning the Gaffer's hat? The others will take an oar, all staining for most necessary purchase. I find the appointments to be largely underwhelming but, I admire the displayed battle speed in ramming the rotten hulk, Pacific Quay. BBC Scotland has failed to repel boarders as we have captured two of their broadcasting regulars. I loved Neil McCann as a player and we should remember he and his family suffered horrific levels of abuse and intimidation after signing. The Billy Dodds addition is strange, this is a character who went out of his way to scream, "I no longer consider myself to be a Rangers supporter" in an attempt to reposition himself when seeking a regular gig in Sunday broadsheet journalism. A successful Jolly Roger flagged raid will have repercussions. There will be a rush inside PQ to label, 'the EBT Four' and ensure this three month adventure is effectively viewed as a walk the plank exercise. RAB Cosgrove will wield the trident ensuring a boiling briney of ridicule : Why did Rangers overlook Neil Lennon again? Greegsy will walk away again the way he walked away from Scotland. Barry is thick, cue the Pageone jokes and Barry thinks a low block is Lego. The staunchometer is hitting fully segged brown brogue levels. Season tickets are about to go on sale. The 49ers are ensuring Sevco liquidation. We will be keel hauled around the roaring forties.

"Super Catholic" - sounds like a Marvel Hero. I have the mental imagery of Cardinal O'Brien, remember he was Cardinal for all Scots. A Hero figure should have a cape and Cardinal Keith sported a crimson example. Or, maybe Jum Spence in a Peruvian Poof Cape is a better fit?

It is official. Chris McLaughlin has just appeared on BBC Scotland's lunchtime news, standing on his preferred Hinshelwood grassy knoll. The main stand is over his shoulder and the eyes are twitching, straining for expected snipers when he uttered, "there exists a broad agreement among all parties". I was expecting him to burst into a chorus of, 'I left my heart in ................. Papworth General'. Speculation will mount, Chris has(had) a heart?

I think I have mentioned this before? The Sultans of Oman are absolute monarchs, best described as benevolent despots. During 1988, the incumbent was Qaboos bin Said and he was particularly benevolent. After attending Sandhurst in the early 60s, he served for three years in Lanarkshire's regiment, the Cameronians. In the late 70s, he financed the construction of the Royal Military Academy's olympic sized swimming pool. When you enter the building you are reminded of his benevolence by the life sized oil portrait of the Sultan replete in Cameronian number one dress. The border between Oman and Yeman remains largely undefined. These last sixty years, the Sultans have been conducting a Hearts and Minds exercise based on both education and health. Concurrently, well financed paramilitaries within Yemen have been conducting an insurgency of low intensity to run interference on schools and clinics. The Sultan's counter is a grouping of controlled patrols protecting said centres and the necessary supply lines. He prefers the Company and Battalion designations to be commanded by British officers. Thus, in August'88 I was leading a patrol company on a ten day visitation to villages and hamlets. The purpose was to ensure a couple of Kiwi nurses achieved access to conduct vaccinations and well women clinics(effects of female circumcision - don't ask). On the fifth evening we left a village and headed several klicks to a wadi with the intent to establish an overnight patrol harbour. I knew Rangers had played ra Yahoos that afternoon at Ibrox but, had maintained professional discipline. After stand-to I returned to my basher and asked my signals Sgt to rig a whip antennae knowing I was being unprofessional. It was silent hours and I tuned to the BBC World Service for the wonderful Paddy Feeny's football roundup. The desert revealed a starry, starry night and I listened as Paddy enthusiastically narrated, "all the action from the game of today at Ibrox". The ensuing five minutes were torture as Paddy played a sequence of 15-20 second commentary sections. He began with, "we were treated to a six goal thriller" and promptly followed with the commentary of McAvennie notching the first goal. I thought we have lost six nil. The next two commentary clips revealed we had secured a 2-1 half time lead. The descrition of Ray Wilkins 25 yard volley had me screaming, SILENTLY! When we scored our third, my thought was it will finish 3-3. When Mark Walters ran the fifth, I was in the Derry, the East Enclosure, the District Bar, ................ doing the bouncy whilst silently screaming. It will always remain the warmest of memories given the circumstances, even a cold scoff of tinned pilchards did not diminish my cheerfulness at cuffing ra Yahoos 5-1. It was another month and a return to Muscat before I saw video highlights.