26th of foot

"Super Catholic" - sounds like a Marvel Hero. I have the mental imagery of Cardinal O'Brien, remember he was Cardinal for all Scots. A Hero figure should have a cape and Cardinal Keith sported a crimson example. Or, maybe Jum Spence in a Peruvian Poof Cape is a better fit?

It is official. Chris McLaughlin has just appeared on BBC Scotland's lunchtime news, standing on his preferred Hinshelwood grassy knoll. The main stand is over his shoulder and the eyes are twitching, straining for expected snipers when he uttered, "there exists a broad agreement among all parties". I was expecting him to burst into a chorus of, 'I left my heart in ................. Papworth General'. Speculation will mount, Chris has(had) a heart?

I think I have mentioned this before? The Sultans of Oman are absolute monarchs, best described as benevolent despots. During 1988, the incumbent was Qaboos bin Said and he was particularly benevolent. After attending Sandhurst in the early 60s, he served for three years in Lanarkshire's regiment, the Cameronians. In the late 70s, he financed the construction of the Royal Military Academy's olympic sized swimming pool. When you enter the building you are reminded of his benevolence by the life sized oil portrait of the Sultan replete in Cameronian number one dress. The border between Oman and Yeman remains largely undefined. These last sixty years, the Sultans have been conducting a Hearts and Minds exercise based on both education and health. Concurrently, well financed paramilitaries within Yemen have been conducting an insurgency of low intensity to run interference on schools and clinics. The Sultan's counter is a grouping of controlled patrols protecting said centres and the necessary supply lines. He prefers the Company and Battalion designations to be commanded by British officers. Thus, in August'88 I was leading a patrol company on a ten day visitation to villages and hamlets. The purpose was to ensure a couple of Kiwi nurses achieved access to conduct vaccinations and well women clinics(effects of female circumcision - don't ask). On the fifth evening we left a village and headed several klicks to a wadi with the intent to establish an overnight patrol harbour. I knew Rangers had played ra Yahoos that afternoon at Ibrox but, had maintained professional discipline. After stand-to I returned to my basher and asked my signals Sgt to rig a whip antennae knowing I was being unprofessional. It was silent hours and I tuned to the BBC World Service for the wonderful Paddy Feeny's football roundup. The desert revealed a starry, starry night and I listened as Paddy enthusiastically narrated, "all the action from the game of today at Ibrox". The ensuing five minutes were torture as Paddy played a sequence of 15-20 second commentary sections. He began with, "we were treated to a six goal thriller" and promptly followed with the commentary of McAvennie notching the first goal. I thought we have lost six nil. The next two commentary clips revealed we had secured a 2-1 half time lead. The descrition of Ray Wilkins 25 yard volley had me screaming, SILENTLY! When we scored our third, my thought was it will finish 3-3. When Mark Walters ran the fifth, I was in the Derry, the East Enclosure, the District Bar, ................ doing the bouncy whilst silently screaming. It will always remain the warmest of memories given the circumstances, even a cold scoff of tinned pilchards did not diminish my cheerfulness at cuffing ra Yahoos 5-1. It was another month and a return to Muscat before I saw video highlights.

I attended yesterday and also attended Berwick Rangers in January'67; however, neither makest it into my worst Rangers watching experience. My choice is the quarter-final Anglo-Scottish Cup second leg away to Chesterfield in October'80. It was the death of a side that had secured the ECWC, three League championships, two trebles and, four-five other trophies. The season before, Rangers had eliminated Juventus and PSV from the European Cup. We went out at the quarter-final stage by an odd goal against a very good Cologne side. Nottingham Forrest Gaffer, Brian Clough thanked Rangers for completing the hard yards that allowed his side to secure the cup with the big ears. I had been on a week long exercise in Exmoor, the EndEx' was the morning of the game and the post exercise admin' culminated at around two in the afternoon. You are in your own time now had been bellowed and I jumped into the car for a four hour drive to a sodden Derbyshire. I got in, stood on an open terrace, got well and truly drookit and watched the McCloy, Jardine, DJ, Doddie, Tam McLean, ..... etc take the field. We got skelped by an English third tier club, three-zip. Further, DJ had a penalty saved too. Chesterfield remains my most miserable experience.

My old man took me to Shieldhall Park in January'67. I was a ten year old Primary schoolboy and watched as Sammy Reid scored Berwick's winner. Dad decided we should go to the Berwick cinema that evening, we viewed the Blue Max starring George Peppard and James Mason. Genuinely, I do not remember much of the film other than Peppard flying his aircraft into the ground at the end. My mind was elsewhere. Today at Ibrox, I viewed Bear Force One being flown into the ground. Well done Queen's Park - anyone got a copy of the Blue Max I could watch?

Reference Scott7's memory above, I can recall Queens Park visiting Ibrox for a Glasgow Cup semi-final in 1968-69ish. An attendance of several thousand would have been optimistic but, Rangers announced Colin Stein would be playing after serving his month long suspension. In those days, players were suspended for a tme period not a number of games. The Chair of the SFA Disciplinary Committee was Sir Robert Kelly and he was a vindictive auld cnut. I believe Sir Boab continues to suck cocks in hell? Anyways, Colin, Colin Stein ran out the tunnel in front of 12,000 and expectation was a hat-trick at least. The game ended in a three-zip Rangers victory; however, Colin failed to notch. Goalkeeper, Gerry Neef got injured midway through the first period and since none of the two listed substitutes on the bench were Keepers, Colin Stein took both jersey and gloves for the rest of the game.

Becoming the Gray man. On my first morning at Sandhurst, I filed into a lecture theatre to hear the Commandant's opening address. It was several minutes of advice on how to survive the ten month long course. He finished by emphasising the first ten weeks was a period not to shine, "do not stand out and attract the attention of Directing Staff, be a grey man". Two or three weeks later you realised the Brigadier was being sage, the first half semester was deliberately designed to be overwhelming. Just endure the pressure. This time last year, the Scottish Secretary for Health, Michael Matheson had resigned his position after being caught attempting to claim eleven grand on his expenses incurred during a family holiday to Morocco. Michael was watching his beloved Sellik on his Government issued laptop and did not give a flying for the roaming charges. Michael's mea culpa came in gradations, finally agreeing to pay back the monies claimed before throwing both his teenage schoolboy sons under the bus. These last thirty years, PQ has broadcast a satirical football show twice a week, 'Off the Ball'. One would expect the Michael Matheson affair was manna from heaven for regular Presenters, RAB Cosgrove and Tam Cowan? There were three or four one liners aimed at Michael's grift but, no sustained bombardment of ridicule ensued. The Secretary for Health chose to watch his team and then decided to attempt to denude the Health budget to pay for the pleasure and the Establishment broadcaster took little to no satirical action against a supporter of the Establishment club. Peter would not like it. Two months past a submitted FOI request revealed Michael's successor in the Health designation, Neal Gray had taken nine Chauffeur driven ministerial cars to Aberdeen games at Hampden and Sellik park. Further, another four had been utilised for home Scotland internationals. Neal Gray assured Holyrood that government related meetings had taken place and necessary minutes had been taken. Neal admitted family and friends had accompanied him in said vehicles. Continuing the precedent set by Michael, Neal's mea culpa arrived with an admittance he should have diversified the club attendance and he cannot locate the afore mentioned minutes. Another open goal for 'Off the Ball', surely? Not a peep and over these last ten weeks RAB Cosgrove has been on a sickie(more to follow follow later). We have endured several stand-ins, mostly Plastic Whistle lovee, Ray Bradshaw. Others have included Susie McCabe(Sellik), Mark Nelson(Queen of the South), Marc Jennings(Sellik) and, Paul English(Sellik) - you can see an equitable divide between Yahoos and supporters of the diddy teams. A second successive Health Secretary rips off his own Department's budget in a specific Scottish football circumstance and the national broadcaster's satirical football show deliberately ignores the entire episode. Why are they allowed to sit so comfortably with their preferred prejudice? I started this piece on a personal basis and will conclude likewise. Back in early autumn, the Health Secretary attended an Alzheimer's Disease Seminar for two hours. The idea being all those involved ie health professionals, sufferers, relatives of sufferers, administrators, charity workers, ...... etc come together to relate experiences. A good idea and well done Neal Gray agreeing to attend. I have an aged Aunt, now in her ninetieth year and has been a top floor resident in a Care Home for over three years. She resides on the top floor because of a five year long Alzheimers diagnosis. Genuinely, I took note of this Seminar and was disgusted that the Health Secretary spent over an hour viewing his mobile I-Phone, monitoring his progress in the queue for Oasis tickets. Becoming the grey man is now trumped by becoming the Gray man.

Phillipe and Issame have shared and enormously enjoyed the odd Tagine. Alex Rae does not care for apricot with his lamb and knows there is no danger of such a combination at Motherwell.

Here, in deepest darkest Lanarkshire, Lanliq was correctly regarded as tonic wine with considerable medicinal properties. We travelled down to Manchester aboard the Strathclyde Uni Union self drive mini-bus. The case of Lanny on the charabanc had been placed there by a Pharmacist and all present had the necessary prescription. Old Trafford has changed on numerous occasion this last half century, it used to have a white picket line wooden fence that ran around the track. We stood in the Enclosure behind the picket next to the Stretford, many other Rangers supporters appeared most anxious to gain access to said terrace, probably to experience a better view of the game? It was most oft' referred to as, 'a bottle party'.

I attended the Manchester United - Rangers challenge match at Old Trafford in March 1974. We opened the scoring, I think John Greig swept the ball home? A half bottle of Lanliq has the effect of hallucinations on the seventeen year old mind and I mention this because I seem to remember big DJ and Derek Parlane both notched in the second half to see Rangers win 2-3. I will take the same result on Thursday evening. I am positive we can do it if Geigy, Dj and, the King of Ibrox park are fit enough to play.

I attended yesterday's proceedings at Ibrox with no expectation and no hope. Walking to the ground reminded me of my start to my intermediate academic week some fifty-five years past. I began each Monday morning with triple Latin, a double period after Assembly was followed by morning break then another forty minutes of 'o me miserum'. My Latin master was Danny Sutherland, a genuine Polyglot, he taught Latin, Greek, Russian and, Arabic. His recreation was utilising other tongues, the four at the end of the Lochgelly extra heavy were particular favourites. Mea culpa, me maxima culpa. Triple Latin was a dread, better to get in and take your punishment knowing you would feel better once it was over. Approaching the Stadium, I was lamenting Noon kick-offs. Normally, it would be over at two thirty and the process of emotional betterment could begin. What transpired was a growing feeling of being able to compete. We dominated, had 24 attempts on goal, scored three and, generally battered the Establishment club. I was transported back to the early seventies when we sang, 'who put the ball in the Sellik net, Alfie, Alfie'; securing a last minute Ne'erday victory. I was elated. Last minute singing should have been the thing but that element within our support had other ideas. Throwing coins at the £11 million Belgian fud as he prepared to take a corner was a considered better idea. Striking Arnie on the cheek bone deflects, it changes the post match narrative and, allows the Yahoos something to hang on to. Since the League Cup final, the usual suspects have queued up to tell us, "you have nothing". Latin for nothing is 'nihil' and like most Latin words it can be extrapolated to greater significance - 'the absence of anything'. Why do they persist with unconsidered actions that detract from the greater Rangers joy? If they want to dispose of ten quid, then deposit the coins in a bucket and help our well skint club. I implore the club to identify and deal with the culprits in draconian fashion. Then, we can remind Peter of his stated intension of 24 years past to indentify and deal with the Yahoo that struck Fernando Ricksen on the head with a lighter.

Festive felicitations to all Gersnetters. Hoping you receive lots of pudding and pie.

If you knew Susie ................ oh what a girl? Ho, ho, ho; tis the season to be jolly and on Saturday last, the national broadcaster was in perpetual mirth making mode. Off the Ball gave us Susie McCabe again and, the Rangers obsessive donned her angry clown face and went for the full Pennywise frenzy. Equivalency is never to be acknowledged. In this regard, Susie rocks an arrogance and BBC Scotland both encourages and facilitates her ridiculous swagger. The other guest was STV newsreader, John MacKay who was plugging his new tome. John is a Bluenose and Susie was ready to feast. The hosts, Tam Cowan and Ray Bradshaw asked both guests their thoughts on the next day's game, the League Cup final? MacKay began reasonably and rationally, wondering if two days would be adequate recovery time for John Soutar. He predicted the four days available to Sellik's Alastair Johnson would be beneficial. Susie struck, "we had to endure ten years of financial doping and you cannot wait play the two extra recovery days card". Susie then told us she was born and bred in Glasgow's east end and educated in Coatbridge, again! Further, she is always keen to relate whatever she was talking about to Frankie(Boyle) during the week. Really, Susie is quite important. Next Ray Bradshaw points out whoever wins the cup moves ahead in trophies won status. Susie strikes immediately, "Celtic are classy and I hope they don't go with the worlds most successful club thing. Ah mean Real Madrid have won fifteen European Cups, they are the worlds most successful club. Anyways, when were Rangers founded"? Cowan distanced the show from her comments pointing out it was her specific opinion and any complaints should be directed to her. Susie decides on recovery by flashing her nationalistic credentials, "we are different in Scotland, ah loved the way we voted to change the name of that ship, deciding on Boaty McBoatface". Worshipping at Nicola's altar can lead to serious derangement. The vessel was built in Birkenhead for the British Antarctic survey, it was a BBC Radio Jersey DJ that campaigned for and received 125,000 votes from all around the UK. I suppose we are fortunate this time because when she is on again in a fortnight we will be told that it was Susie and her fellow happy hoopsters that pierced the pomposity. I am sure she was saying it to Frankie during the week. Maybe Susie is confusing the vessel with the two Ferries built at Fergusons, you know the ones taking Scottish marine architecture to new limits? What other country has pioneered cardboard funnels and painted on windows? The MV Glen Rosa should be renamed as a homage to the Dennistoun clown, 'Susie McGloatface' would be most appropriate. These last ten weeks with RAB Cosgrove taking a sabbatical, Susie has co=presented the show, she has done so at least a couple of dozen occasions. On Saturday, she was a guest. Is the former a separate entity to the latter, we should be told. Oh, what a girl .....

Compo, I loved that game, I stood in the schoolboy Enclosure and watched Bud Johnson hit the bye-line and stand up that ball for DJ. I love the photograph because DJ is framed by four Sellik players, Bobby Murdoch, Billy McBungle, Jim Craig and, Davie Hay. Further, remember Evan Williams is in front(this side of the camera) of DJ. We had gone five seasons winning hee-haw from the Scottish Cup Final replay win in 1966 to DJ's nod to glory. It was the first light at the end of a most dark tunnel.

I attended the pre-season friendly at Ibrox against Spurs at the start of August'69. A large crowd watched an impressive Tottenham side including Pat Jennings, Cyril Knowles, Martin Chivers, Jimmy Greaves, Mike England, Alan Gilzean, Joe Kinnear, Alan Mullery and, Terry Venables. Rangers dominated the game and won 2-0, I believe Bud Johnson scored both? A week later, Everton were the visitors and the Toffees had a wonderful side. Joe Royle, Brian Labone, Howard Kendall, Alan Ball and, Colin Harvey. We won 2-1. David White put out entertaining Rangers teams. Reference the Great Revolution and all that goes with it. My Butler informs me we are all for it as long as I am appointed the GOC(General Officer Commanding) of the Vanguard of the Proletariat.